Alone Time: A Solitary Situation


A couple years ago I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to drive five hours alone, let alone eleven. Eleven!! In winter, that’s solitary confinement, you and the road, from before the sun rises to after it set. Nothing but your own thoughts, barely masked by the blasting of the radio.

What do you do when you’re alone? In worse times, the minute my cohorts were out the door my body often launched into a full-blown panic attack. I’d be in a ball, screaming as myself You’re a freak! Why can’t you be normal? Why can you just live as the person you were born as? You’d better figure it out because there’s no way in hell you’ll make it to your graduation in this state. 99% of people see an attention-seeking asshole ad you’ll never be able to make them understand what hell you live in every day. Be grateful for the fucking good life you have. You have everything and you’re going to let it all go. It would be easier to die than transition, you know that right? You’ll never be a normal man, you’ll always be a freak.

For a time, I dreaded being alone. What changed? In high school I wanted nothing more than to be alone. Right now, I want to be alone. The difference, I figured out was that when people mistreat me (I’ll call it what it is, bullying me) I am forced to come to me own rescue. To function, I literally have to build myself up as a response to the outside people that beat me down.

No, I don’t like being bullied. It fucking sucks. But I know that somehow, I’m stronger for it. Someone else is wasting their time and energy while forcing me to come to my own aid. By trying to beat me down, they are causing my to like, and someday love myself again.

And then alone time becomes valuable. An eleven hour car ride is a chance to talk to myself about break, and digest all the interactions that happened. A free afternoon is a chance to walk through the park and dream about the family I’ll one day have. A free hour here and there is the chance to read and discover someone else’s trials, putting mine in perspective.

Bullying hurts like a beyotch, but it will make me value life more. I have to remind myself of this often, but it will keep me strong.

What experiences d’you have? How do you keep yourself one step ahead of the crazies?@



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2 responses to “Alone Time: A Solitary Situation

  1. your internal dialogue with yourself, the self-debasing and self doubt, are extremely hard! it is a common process many trans ppl i have met go through. “is it worth all this pain and rejection?” “i just want to be normal!” “why can’t i just live as my gender?” i am not at all trying to minimize what you are feeling by saying it is common bc even though others may go through these types of experiences, that does not make it any less difficult on those who walk it. i am saying this bc you are not alone! you are not bad or horrible or a monster trapped in a human body. the bullies of the world are narrow-minded asses who can only think in terms of dichotomy and when someone is transgender or gender queer, it disrupts their complete solidification in what gender means, it literally shakes their foundations. you have gained strength and a knowledge of how to defend the person you are as you are. and that is rad! when we say transitioning most ppl think of the trans person changing, but that is not the truth. the trans person is just reflecting on the outside what they have always felt on the inside. it is a transition for those around the trans person, a complete over haul of their concepts of who that person is.

    • Thanks cakelee for your comment; it definitely helps to know I’m not alone. I always like hearing things from your perspective because you make me think of things differently than I did before.

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