A couple years ago I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to drive five hours alone, let alone eleven. Eleven!! In winter, that’s solitary confinement, you and the road, from before the sun rises to after it set. Nothing but your own thoughts, barely masked by the blasting of the radio.
What do you do when you’re alone? In worse times, the minute my cohorts were out the door my body often launched into a full-blown panic attack. I’d be in a ball, screaming as myself You’re a freak! Why can’t you be normal? Why can you just live as the person you were born as? You’d better figure it out because there’s no way in hell you’ll make it to your graduation in this state. 99% of people see an attention-seeking asshole ad you’ll never be able to make them understand what hell you live in every day. Be grateful for the fucking good life you have. You have everything and you’re going to let it all go. It would be easier to die than transition, you know that right? You’ll never be a normal man, you’ll always be a freak.
For a time, I dreaded being alone. What changed? In high school I wanted nothing more than to be alone. Right now, I want to be alone. The difference, I figured out was that when people mistreat me (I’ll call it what it is, bullying me) I am forced to come to me own rescue. To function, I literally have to build myself up as a response to the outside people that beat me down.
No, I don’t like being bullied. It fucking sucks. But I know that somehow, I’m stronger for it. Someone else is wasting their time and energy while forcing me to come to my own aid. By trying to beat me down, they are causing my to like, and someday love myself again.
And then alone time becomes valuable. An eleven hour car ride is a chance to talk to myself about break, and digest all the interactions that happened. A free afternoon is a chance to walk through the park and dream about the family I’ll one day have. A free hour here and there is the chance to read and discover someone else’s trials, putting mine in perspective.
Bullying hurts like a beyotch, but it will make me value life more. I have to remind myself of this often, but it will keep me strong.
What experiences d’you have? How do you keep yourself one step ahead of the crazies?@