Apprehension. (Eeeek!)

Oh, that heart-thumping, nail-biting, leg-shaking, hair-pulling feeling. It seems to be a theme in my life lately.

Quizzes: I usually have a quiz every single day, in one of my classes. They’re meant to be low-stress and just test if you’ve actually done the reading, but I get this perfectionist complex, where I get crazy-pissed at myself if I miss even one question. I run it through my head over and over, wondering why I couldn’t have just selected the right answer. Looking back, the answer was so obvious. Why can’t I get a simple true/false question right?

Running: Yeah, I had one good race, but what if it was a fluke? What if I can’t hit the times in my workout, or fail the expectations of my coach?

Public Speaking: I know, I know, I’m normal on this one. Just the words “public speaking” can instill fear in any person. I have my first speech tomorrow. I think I was going to dress up a bit, maybe wear a button up and tie, but I don’t even know how to tie a tie! I still need to even practice my speech. I don’t even think it counts for a grade. It’s just 2-4 minutes, and it’s pretty much just to get us talking in front of the class. The topic is introductions – but the catch is that we’re introducing someone else, not ourselves. I’m nervous if the person talking about me is going to use the correct pronouns, and if I’m going to be uncomfortable even if she does.

Applications: I’m trying to get into a summer program for research, and each program is incredibly competitive and the applications are reminiscent of trying to get into college. And they’re more competitive than most grad schools. I’m nervous because some of them ask what diversity I can bring to the program, and this would be the place to talk about being trans. But at the same time I have no idea how to word it to be pertinent to research.

Oi vey. I will fight apprehension with positive thoughts and productivity. I’m looking forward to the Superbowl, hanging out with PFLAG peeps and my friends. I love my Thursday group, but I like PFLAG because the people in there are really mature, and one can have actual adult conversations! I’m looking forward to running my race because I know that I can get a PR. Productivity is happening: now. I’m going to prepare and practice my speech as well as finish two applications for summer stuff. Bam. Here we go.

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