Why?

Warning: Some language and pessimism.

I’m so frustrated. Why can I have months and months of levelness and WHAM. Upsetness. I was so strong, and it feels like my mental strength has gone down the shitter. And the worst part is, anyone I’ve ever felt comfortable talking about feeling bad to is happy to see me doing so well so I can’t even talk to them about it. I feel like I can’t even talk to anyone. So I find myself reasoning around, trying to figure out how I started slipping and what I can do to stop it.

I think it started when my coach didn’t put me in the half-marathon. I know I could’ve gotten the qualifying standard and quite frankly I’m so jealous of everyone that got to go and qualified.  Apparently the course was relatively flat, wind to the back, overall downhill, the works. I’m not totally sure why my coach didn’t put me in and I’m not going to ask.

It probably continued when my roommate threw a birthday get-together for me (very nice of her) and only a few people came and then left to go to a party. It made me realize how shitty I am at interacting with people. It kills me that I have this disconnect. I want to interact, but I don’t get the rules. Reading people’s faces is lost on me. Hell, I can’t even remember what people’s faces look like or recognize them if I see them in a different place. If I see someone I won’t know their name of where I know them from unless they have a certain backpack they carry around or unique something. Hairstyle. Glasses. Anything. I just feel like everywhere I walk there’s strangers even though I should know them, so I’ll not know the name of someone I’ve known for months and months. And I don’t know how to read people’s faces. And I don’t know how to project emotions genuinely on my face when I’m talking so they think I have no empathy.

Then the real fork in the cake was tonight when I heard about hanging out with visiting recruits about 3 minutes before it’s happening. Everyone has my phone number. They have no problem using it when they need fucking homework help. It feels like it happens every time, so I start thinking my coach doesn’t want the recruits to meet me because I’m fucking queer and it’s so fucking conservative here that maybe them meeting me will dissuade them from joining the team. So maybe the reason that I found out 5 minutes ahead of time from someone who wasn’t even organizing it kind of suggests I wasn’t really invited to a team function. Maybe my coach told the not to tell me. And I know I’m being paranoid but it still sucks.

I just feel so alone. The worst part is I want to be alone so I shouldn’t even complain that I’ve isolated myself. I don’t have any interest in interacting with people because it’s so stressful. I feel like I have to be doing something like running or studying and people just want to hang out and I don’t get it. I want to be with someone too. I never have and I want to know what it’s like to have someone, but I don’t want anyone to touch me. I can’t stand physical contact, even from my own parents. I don’t know why something that feels good to other people makes me feel sick.

I’m done. I’m done thinking, because that’s what gets me in real trouble. I’ve worked too fucking hard to lose it now, so I’m going to fight against the part of me that’s trying to kill the rest of me. Here goes.

– Who care’s about the half-marathon? You’re training for the steeplechase and you’re going to do damn well at it.

– You beat 19:00 in 3, almost 4 of the races this season. In the 18:30’s? that’s so much better than last year. You’re set to have a good track season.

– People in your life respect you. You’re a youth mentor for group, and a leader of the trans group. Professors respect you, and that is worth more than you need.

-You’re one of the most intelligent, considerate people I know. You’re going to kill it academically these next couple weeks and enjoy working hard on applications and GRE studying over winter break. It will keep you occupied and focused.

-You are focused. You have goals and can achieve them. You don’t need to be the best at everything though. Just keep being yourself and everything will be okay.

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5 Comments

Filed under and track, cross country, running

5 responses to “Why?

  1. First things first: it’s not you, it’s them. Whatever “it” is. You’re fine.
    Secondly, maybe you should talk to the coach. If it’s outright discrimination, then you might be able to get the athletic director involved. This isn’t just for you, but for future queers on the team: if the coach knows you’re standing up for yourself, he’ll be less likely to step all over someone else because of his queerphobia.
    Thirdly, have you talked to a therapist about your social difficulties and aversion to physical contact? They might help you find ways of coping with these things or working around them.
    Everything will be fine. But you have every right to deal with your feelings instead of just pushing them down and assuming everything will be okay. Allow yourself to experience these feelings.

  2. Thanks for the support. My coach is definitely not phobic whatsoever. I’ve been out to him for well over a year now. But he does do whatever he thinks he needs to do in order to get the team better which is why I wouldn’t be surprised. I do know he doesn’t want recruits staying the night at my apartment, he chooses other teammates to put them with. But I think that’s more because I’m not the best at being all overly excited and stuff like my teammates. I just wish either someone would clue me in or tell me flat out not to come. I’m probably just paranoid about it because I tend to get like that sometimes.. I honestly don’t even care if I’m supposed to be there or not, but the indirectness really does my head in. Maybe I’m supposed to take the initiative and invite myself? Like I said, trouble understanding social protocols.
    I have talked to the counselor at my school. She said something about having a zipper on my heart. To be honest I didn’t really understand. She did promise to send me a book list of helpful books but I think she forgot. I guess everyone gets busy.
    I’ll allow myself to experience the feelings, but just not too much during finals week. I’ll have a good 11 hour drive back home to sort through it all. I think I just needed to get it out for the minute. But you’re right- it feels good to know it’s okay to have feelings.

  3. (((hugs))) I stink at social interactions and I find winter is the worst, well at least usually. This year I’m on anti-depressants and doing a bit better. Still as socially awkward as ever, just not as worried that every single person on the freaking planet hates me.

    Yeah, it definitely helps to take a step back and look at all the positives. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and that the 11 hour drive goes by a hell of a lot faster than it sounds.

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