Monthly Archives: June 2015

Why I’m not on testosterone

Or, why I haven’t yet shot myself up with some man.

Disclaimer: I have T-15/20 minutes before the melatonin I took kicks in hardcore, so I hope this is coherent.

I’ve wanted to medically transition since high school, when I found out what “transgender” meant, and what I could do about it. That was about 4 years ago. I could be more or less transitioned right now, but not a drop of T has entered my body.

Why?

I chose instead to continue competing in the women’s division for collegiate running. It was a decision that almost drove me insane. Some who know me would argue that it did. Not even finished with my freshman year, I walked into my advisor’s office and asked for a letter of rec for entrance to another university. I came out to her in explanation, and she helped me get a full ride scholarship at said university. After much distraught deliberation, I ended up staying where I was, for many reasons. I came out to others (including my coach!) that fall.

I’m a senior now, and with only one year (~11 months) left, I find myself thinking back on it all. I stopped blogging/writing much because it was painful and frustrating to even think about sometimes. I tried to stop thinking about it so much. Tried. It’s nearly impossible to think about anything else when every time you look in the mirror you feel like throwing up. When every time someone talks about you they stab you with pronoun knives. When you don’t have the courage to pop a squat in the guy’s restroom, but people stare and/or run out when you use the women’s. The hardest part is feeling trapped, stuck, and knowing you did that to yourself. Pulled in so many directions because the situation fucking sucks and you’re enjoying the hell out of college anyway.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t change anything except maybe come out sooner, especially to my parents. It’s been rough for sure, but undeniably beautiful. I never could have imagined finding so much support and acceptance. Between the professors here, my advisor, my coach, teammates and their parents, roommates, administration, classmates, friends.. I’ve found family here.

I’ve also found myself. I’ve found the strength to truly be myself when everyone is telling me I’me something else. I used to worry that I wasn’t trans enough when I stopped wanting to bash my head into a wall every time someone used she. It really just meant that I’ve found confidence and validation from within. I don’t need T to make me who I’ll grow to be any more than the estrogen coursing through me defines who I am now.

That is what will get me through this next year.

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Back on the blogging bus

I’m a wreck, and I need to get it together. I haven’t written in forever, and I think that’s a big part of it. My head is so mixed up that I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start by trying to figure out how I got here.

This track season wasn’t the best. I came off of a really good cross country season (A few races around 18:30-19 min) and was hoping to do really well in track. Long story short, got injured and only raced a few times the last few weeks of the season, missing qualifying for nationals by 4 seconds. It was okay, I regrouped and focused on training for the summer.

I’m in Switzerland for the summer, and kind of got carried away the first couple weeks I was here. I may or may not have run a mountainous half-marathon. I may or may not have won with a pretty good time. And I may or may not have royally rucked up my Achilles in the process. So I took some time off and cross trained and dropped my mileage. It’s stressing me out right now because I should be at 60-70 miles per week, but I’m not. But it’s more important to be healthy, so I dropped off for a week, ran 27 the next week and I hit 40 this week. It’s good progress, but I’m paying really close attention to my Achilles.

Since I dropped my mileage so much I started cross training and lifting more weights. I also started following a bit stricter diet (higher protein, less crap). In theory, it would be fine, seeing as I have a goal weight for the fall when XC starts up again. In theory. In reality, I started binge-eating because my body was craving more something, and then I started eating when I wasn’t even hungry. And now I just feel like shit and even more stressed.

I also have dermatillomania. Wow, I’ve never actually said/wrote that before. It fucking sucks. I’ve been picking since I was about 10-11 (about the time I started struggling with being trans) and I loathe how out of control it makes me feel. I tried again and again to stop these last two weeks and the harder I try the worse it gets. It feels like I’ll never be able to get control of it, but I’m determined.

Today, I was laying in bed, feeling puffy from too much salt (I had two lbs of trail mix in two days :/ ), bloated from too much everything, and my face looked (still looks) like a train/lawn aeration device ran over it. I thought, Transiteration, you’re a disaster. You’ve got to get it together.

So this is where I’m at. I realize that I need to start blogging, and not for anyone but me.  I’m going to write crazy stuff, boring stuff, weird stuff, any kind of stuff, and that’s that. Half of the time it’s probably not going to make any sense. But I need to get it out because it’s eating me from the inside. Working abroad for the summer makes everything a bit lonelier and harder to deal with. I gotta take care of myself.

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