Why I’m not on testosterone

Or, why I haven’t yet shot myself up with some man.

Disclaimer: I have T-15/20 minutes before the melatonin I took kicks in hardcore, so I hope this is coherent.

I’ve wanted to medically transition since high school, when I found out what “transgender” meant, and what I could do about it. That was about 4 years ago. I could be more or less transitioned right now, but not a drop of T has entered my body.

Why?

I chose instead to continue competing in the women’s division for collegiate running. It was a decision that almost drove me insane. Some who know me would argue that it did. Not even finished with my freshman year, I walked into my advisor’s office and asked for a letter of rec for entrance to another university. I came out to her in explanation, and she helped me get a full ride scholarship at said university. After much distraught deliberation, I ended up staying where I was, for many reasons. I came out to others (including my coach!) that fall.

I’m a senior now, and with only one year (~11 months) left, I find myself thinking back on it all. I stopped blogging/writing much because it was painful and frustrating to even think about sometimes. I tried to stop thinking about it so much. Tried. It’s nearly impossible to think about anything else when every time you look in the mirror you feel like throwing up. When every time someone talks about you they stab you with pronoun knives. When you don’t have the courage to pop a squat in the guy’s restroom, but people stare and/or run out when you use the women’s. The hardest part is feeling trapped, stuck, and knowing you did that to yourself. Pulled in so many directions because the situation fucking sucks and you’re enjoying the hell out of college anyway.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t change anything except maybe come out sooner, especially to my parents. It’s been rough for sure, but undeniably beautiful. I never could have imagined finding so much support and acceptance. Between the professors here, my advisor, my coach, teammates and their parents, roommates, administration, classmates, friends.. I’ve found family here.

I’ve also found myself. I’ve found the strength to truly be myself when everyone is telling me I’me something else. I used to worry that I wasn’t trans enough when I stopped wanting to bash my head into a wall every time someone used she. It really just meant that I’ve found confidence and validation from within. I don’t need T to make me who I’ll grow to be any more than the estrogen coursing through me defines who I am now.

That is what will get me through this next year.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Why I’m not on testosterone

  1. Good for you! Keep doing what you are comfortable with. As a senior in college myself, I just wanna say congrats, girl. We’re almost there 😍 You have found yourself. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are less than what you are. You can achieve anything you set your mind to!

    • Thanks 🙂 Seniors in college unite! I never thought I’d be the kind of guy that would look forward to graduating so much, but I’m actually getting a bit more excited as time goes on. What are you majoring in?

      • I’m an accounting major. Unfortunately, recently, I had to take a semester off to begin paying off some loans… I’ll be back at it hopefully of winter this year. And yourself? I’m a huge fan of the trans community, being a gay male myself.

        I’m sure I’ll have some more interesting reads soon as well. So swing on by (saw that you liked the Caitlyn Jenner post) 😍

  2. Kris

    I just read your blog, and I’m a transman, a year on T, and trying to transfer to a university. I’m a runner and trying to bring my 8k time down enough to make it onto the men’s cross country team. I’m training hard but still need to bring my time down by ten minutes in roughly a year. Not sure if it’s possible but I wish I could ask someone who’s done this!

    • Hi Kris, sorry for the delay. I haven’t been on my blog in a long time that is so awesome that you are trying to run for the men’s cross country team! I wish I could talk to someone who has done that too. You might try talking to Chris Mosier. He qualified internationally and might have some insight on the effects of T after a year or so. Other than that, that fastest way to get faster is to be very consistent in everything diet, training, sleep, hydration. All the little things. Good luck and I wish you the best! Thanks for stopping by my blog.

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