Tag Archives: conservative

Why?

Warning: Some language and pessimism.

I’m so frustrated. Why can I have months and months of levelness and WHAM. Upsetness. I was so strong, and it feels like my mental strength has gone down the shitter. And the worst part is, anyone I’ve ever felt comfortable talking about feeling bad to is happy to see me doing so well so I can’t even talk to them about it. I feel like I can’t even talk to anyone. So I find myself reasoning around, trying to figure out how I started slipping and what I can do to stop it.

I think it started when my coach didn’t put me in the half-marathon. I know I could’ve gotten the qualifying standard and quite frankly I’m so jealous of everyone that got to go and qualified.  Apparently the course was relatively flat, wind to the back, overall downhill, the works. I’m not totally sure why my coach didn’t put me in and I’m not going to ask.

It probably continued when my roommate threw a birthday get-together for me (very nice of her) and only a few people came and then left to go to a party. It made me realize how shitty I am at interacting with people. It kills me that I have this disconnect. I want to interact, but I don’t get the rules. Reading people’s faces is lost on me. Hell, I can’t even remember what people’s faces look like or recognize them if I see them in a different place. If I see someone I won’t know their name of where I know them from unless they have a certain backpack they carry around or unique something. Hairstyle. Glasses. Anything. I just feel like everywhere I walk there’s strangers even though I should know them, so I’ll not know the name of someone I’ve known for months and months. And I don’t know how to read people’s faces. And I don’t know how to project emotions genuinely on my face when I’m talking so they think I have no empathy.

Then the real fork in the cake was tonight when I heard about hanging out with visiting recruits about 3 minutes before it’s happening. Everyone has my phone number. They have no problem using it when they need fucking homework help. It feels like it happens every time, so I start thinking my coach doesn’t want the recruits to meet me because I’m fucking queer and it’s so fucking conservative here that maybe them meeting me will dissuade them from joining the team. So maybe the reason that I found out 5 minutes ahead of time from someone who wasn’t even organizing it kind of suggests I wasn’t really invited to a team function. Maybe my coach told the not to tell me. And I know I’m being paranoid but it still sucks.

I just feel so alone. The worst part is I want to be alone so I shouldn’t even complain that I’ve isolated myself. I don’t have any interest in interacting with people because it’s so stressful. I feel like I have to be doing something like running or studying and people just want to hang out and I don’t get it. I want to be with someone too. I never have and I want to know what it’s like to have someone, but I don’t want anyone to touch me. I can’t stand physical contact, even from my own parents. I don’t know why something that feels good to other people makes me feel sick.

I’m done. I’m done thinking, because that’s what gets me in real trouble. I’ve worked too fucking hard to lose it now, so I’m going to fight against the part of me that’s trying to kill the rest of me. Here goes.

– Who care’s about the half-marathon? You’re training for the steeplechase and you’re going to do damn well at it.

– You beat 19:00 in 3, almost 4 of the races this season. In the 18:30’s? that’s so much better than last year. You’re set to have a good track season.

– People in your life respect you. You’re a youth mentor for group, and a leader of the trans group. Professors respect you, and that is worth more than you need.

-You’re one of the most intelligent, considerate people I know. You’re going to kill it academically these next couple weeks and enjoy working hard on applications and GRE studying over winter break. It will keep you occupied and focused.

-You are focused. You have goals and can achieve them. You don’t need to be the best at everything though. Just keep being yourself and everything will be okay.

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Filed under and track, cross country, running

Winter Break

As a college kid, there is nothing better than going home after pushing myself physically and mentally to exhaustion during finals week. I literally slept 14 hours straight the first night I got back, and probably averaged 9-12 every night of break. The altitude was killer. After a year and a half of 1300 ft to sea level and only a couple weeks here and there of altitude, I’m officially a low-lander. (The bright side, I felt like superman running today being back at school.)

The first week I got back home, I decided to hit the trails since it had been so long. I drove to the Garden of the Gods, and on the way there I saw a truck with homophobic propaganda. Between that and the horrendous driving, I knew I was back home.

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What did surprise me though was a billboard. At first I couldn’t tell whether it was supporting LGBT rights or not. I looked it up online, and its purpose was to uncover the homophobia hidden in the USAFA. It gave me hope to see it in my conservative hometown. 

 

 

 

 

 

Another surprising thing I saw while running was a missing poster for a dog.. taped right on top of a missing poster for a child from only a few days prior. Idiots. I honestly lost some faith in humanity when I saw that.

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I spent a lot of time with my family. I was a bit wary of spending time with my extended family, but it was actually really fun except for one aunt. I came out to her before my parents because she flat-out asked, and I’d promised myself that even if I didn’t have the courage to come out, if anyone asked I wouldn’t deny it. She seemed supportive when I told her, but she’s done nothing but mess up pronouns and be ignorant. I’m livid at myself that I didn’t tell my parents first. I hurt them badly and I feel awful for doing that to them. That aunt kept trying to show my pictures of a woman’s haircut, saying it was so my style, and when I had shorts on inquired about runners’ leg shaving habits. Sometimes people should think before saying stuff.

We went up into the mountains for a couple days, including swimming. I got really anxious about going because I avoid changing rooms. I can’t go in the guy’s and I definitely feel uncomfortable going in the women’s. I ended up having a much more fun time than I expected. I brought a good book to read, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and ran loads. I also got to go cross country skiing, which was a blast!

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Most days I spent time with family or relaxed and watched tv. On the last day of break I went geocaching with  my mom and then my dad taught me how to change the oil in my  car. Sometimes I get upset that I missed out on living my childhood as a guy, but times like that remind me that there’s still time to catch up.

A long 10.5 hour drive later I got back to my apartment at school.

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Inevitably I forgot things. This time it was my new(ish) pair of running shoes and my computer charger. I’m on my last few minutes of battery and might be making my next post at the public library. Cheers!

What were your favorite or most eventful parts of the holiday season?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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