Tag Archives: hrt

Why I’m not on testosterone

Or, why I haven’t yet shot myself up with some man.

Disclaimer: I have T-15/20 minutes before the melatonin I took kicks in hardcore, so I hope this is coherent.

I’ve wanted to medically transition since high school, when I found out what “transgender” meant, and what I could do about it. That was about 4 years ago. I could be more or less transitioned right now, but not a drop of T has entered my body.

Why?

I chose instead to continue competing in the women’s division for collegiate running. It was a decision that almost drove me insane. Some who know me would argue that it did. Not even finished with my freshman year, I walked into my advisor’s office and asked for a letter of rec for entrance to another university. I came out to her in explanation, and she helped me get a full ride scholarship at said university. After much distraught deliberation, I ended up staying where I was, for many reasons. I came out to others (including my coach!) that fall.

I’m a senior now, and with only one year (~11 months) left, I find myself thinking back on it all. I stopped blogging/writing much because it was painful and frustrating to even think about sometimes. I tried to stop thinking about it so much. Tried. It’s nearly impossible to think about anything else when every time you look in the mirror you feel like throwing up. When every time someone talks about you they stab you with pronoun knives. When you don’t have the courage to pop a squat in the guy’s restroom, but people stare and/or run out when you use the women’s. The hardest part is feeling trapped, stuck, and knowing you did that to yourself. Pulled in so many directions because the situation fucking sucks and you’re enjoying the hell out of college anyway.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t change anything except maybe come out sooner, especially to my parents. It’s been rough for sure, but undeniably beautiful. I never could have imagined finding so much support and acceptance. Between the professors here, my advisor, my coach, teammates and their parents, roommates, administration, classmates, friends.. I’ve found family here.

I’ve also found myself. I’ve found the strength to truly be myself when everyone is telling me I’me something else. I used to worry that I wasn’t trans enough when I stopped wanting to bash my head into a wall every time someone used she. It really just meant that I’ve found confidence and validation from within. I don’t need T to make me who I’ll grow to be any more than the estrogen coursing through me defines who I am now.

That is what will get me through this next year.

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I will walk 500 miles… (I will run 500 meters)

So. 3rd workout in six days. (Even if one was a mini-workout, it still counts, dammit!)

Today we went to the lake. The BIG lake – if you live where I do you know which one it is. I have to admit, it’s nice chillaxing on the bus on the way there, not having to worry about driving or anything. When we got there, we loaded out, and after much jesting we skedaddled on our runs/warm-ups. I got back and my coach asked if I wanted to know what the workout was. I said yeah! and he asked me: so what’s the workout? He’s funny like that. I replied, er.. 500s! Lo and behold, I was right! I won’t specify the time nor recovery because I think that information is my coach’s property, but let’s just assume they were at a decent pace.

I knew I was in trouble on the warm-up, when I had stitches underneath both my clavicles. I hit the times for the workout, though I definitely wish I could’ve ran faster for the last few. My breathing was heavy, my face was hot, and my muscles felt a lot tighter than usual. If during my last 3k I was flying, then today I was wading through mud.

It might also be because the temperature was a blistering 65 degrees. Thank goodness it’s going back to the 20’s for the next couple days; this Colorado guy can’t take the roasting. (Just wait until May, then I’ll really be complaining.)

I’ve come to realize that I have a bit of a problem with hydrating. I don’t really enjoy drinking water unless I’m really thirsty, and there’s only so much powdered Gatorade one can shove down hir gullet before it becomes a bit rank too. Is this just me, or do most people actually like water? Sometimes I eat salty things to make me crave it, but that usually increases my water retention too much and makes me feel heavy. I desperately need your advice. How do you trick yourself into drinking more water?

Anyway, my suffering warm-down was good. A friend was asking if I think I’ll be happier about myself after I medically transition, and I said that I knew it wouldn’t solve all my problems, but that I thought it would make me a great deal happier. I shared with her the changes I was most looking forward to – it was interesting that she was quite surprised that HRT can do so much. I forget that I’ve done quite a bit of research, and that to most people the changes are mind-blowing. I guess to me they are as well, but more of a mind-blowing eventual necessity.

 

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