Tag Archives: poetry

Unchained

The needle: silver, gleaming,
tapering down to nothing,
a tiny funnel for gold
sliding into my leg.

I can feel it!
a tickle in my throat
a lower voice
a few tufts
fall from my head,
I don't mind a new hairline.
My muscles strengthen,
my shoulders widen
suddenly everything is lighter.
fat moves, smaller hips
making a little tummy
that I will run off tomorrow.
My face changes,
slightly but enough.

I look in the mirror,
finally seeing myself
for the first time.

I imagine this
again.

everyday for another
two years.

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THANK YOU to the strangers at the park

a group of you pretentious adolescents,
five or six, maybe seven.

As I circled the lake
the waves gently lapped
and you shallowly shouted:

“Is that a guy or a girl?”
“No, look, that running over there.
what is it?”
“I can’t tell!”
“I don’t know.” you said, “Ha, ha, ha!”

Haha.. ha.. ha.
I looked over and returned your stares,
my eyes outnumbered
as your laughs flew with the breeze
and landed in the air around my ears.

You paused, and I paused, stricken.
The perfect moment of suspended silence,
but you went on.

Though my stride remained steady,
anger pounded through my veins
and sadness prickled at my fingertips.

I looped around again, intently,
how best to spend my next two cents?
I kept those pennies for another day.

A lap longer, a mile more.
A second stripped off my next race.

and I have only you to thank.

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What do you see?

They see a kid, sane person.
a bit average maybe, 
clearly fitting in,
blending with the crowd.
The tears of laughter,
a well-placed grin,
and living for the future.

They miss faltering smiles,
the constant burn of pain,
and tears of despair.
The thin wall of lies
breaking, crumbling
the small existence:
here today, gone tomorrow.

What do you see?

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A request for help with PFLAG presentation ideas

PFLAG. Incessant blogging. I’m aware these topics don’t have much to do with each other, but neither alone would make a very interesting post, so I’m combining them into one long not very interesting post.

I’ve been blogging every day this year. Some nights it’s been after midnight, but since it’s before I go to sleep I still count it. Slacker, slacker, I know. For years, I’ve been wanting to have a journal or something, just to be able to remember stuff better. I think we can learn a lot from out younger selves. My problem is that I could never get any consistency. So this blog is an experiment. I’m seeing what a year of writing, something, anything, down everyday will do to my outlook on life and demeanor. Maybe by the end of the year I’ll have written so much that I’ll figure out something new about myself. Maybe I’ll meet someone that could do the same.

I suppose a profuse apology is in order. I’m sure all ya’ll don’t appreciate seeing random shit on your dash every day. But this blog is just as much for me. If anyone else can gain something from it, then it makes my efforts just a bit more worthwhile. I do plan to start organizing everything under headings though, and have tabs at the top. I guess I didn’t realize that sticking to the plan involves 365 posts by the end of the year, making it a bit hard to sort through.

In other news, the monthly PFLAG meeting was tonight. Our chapter is about a year old, so the base is still getting solidified. I’ve begun to realize that even when people are open and accepting, the majority of people don’t really have a clear understanding of trans-related issues. For many people I meet, I am the first transperson they’ve ever gotten to know. Today I offered to do a presentation on that sort of stuff, to help educate people. The next meeting is in a month, and if I don’t do it then, I’ll do it in two months. This means I have a decent amount of time to prepare a kick-ass presentation.

My plan so far is to:

  • include an overview of trans* identities, along with common terms/ideas (which ones would be most important?)
  • do a line chart for everyone to fill out showing the difference between gender identity, expression, orientation and sex assigned at birth
  • maybe start and end with poetry or short writings to give insight of what it’s like being trans
  • put in a “how not to talk to transpeople” (and better alternatives) section, making it kind of light-hearted and funny, but at the same time presenting valid points

Do you all have any ideas on what I could add to the presentation? I’d really like input, both from trans peeps and allies alike. What do you wish you knew, or were less ignorant of? What do you wish people knew so you don’t have to explain time and time again?

Cheers peeps, til tomorrow.

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Flashback: Broken Thoughts and Shattered Dreams

I wrote this back in 2010, when struggling with a teammate’s suicide. Poetry was and still is a way to release lingering emotions. I hope you find some connection or understanding.

— Edited

Cheers, guys, until tomorrow.

Disclaimer: If you are having suicidal thoughts or ideation please consider calling a hotline (1-800-273-8255, or 866-4-U-TREVOR for LGBT youth). I have been there and I was nervous too, but the people are incredibly understanding and helpful. I cannot emphasize enough how important you are and how important it is to reach out.

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5 o’clock window

Walking down the street,
I see an ordinary:

broad shoulders
hard jawline
flat chest
rutted abs
5 o’clock shadow.

I pass a window
and see a foreign:

wide birthing hips
small nose
slim wrists
round face
prominent chest.

my worst nightmare every morning
when I feel sick and throw up
just from my reflection.

Trapped in a body that
I refuse to believe is mine.
Can’t live with it,
can’t live without it.

Every second
of every minute
of every day
is a marathon,
a waiting game.
watch me hit the wall.

Only 1095 marathons left.
and no retries for
a body I can call my own.

Doitrightoryou’llbesorry

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