Why I’m not on testosterone

Or, why I haven’t yet shot myself up with some man.

Disclaimer: I have T-15/20 minutes before the melatonin I took kicks in hardcore, so I hope this is coherent.

I’ve wanted to medically transition since high school, when I found out what “transgender” meant, and what I could do about it. That was about 4 years ago. I could be more or less transitioned right now, but not a drop of T has entered my body.

Why?

I chose instead to continue competing in the women’s division for collegiate running. It was a decision that almost drove me insane. Some who know me would argue that it did. Not even finished with my freshman year, I walked into my advisor’s office and asked for a letter of rec for entrance to another university. I came out to her in explanation, and she helped me get a full ride scholarship at said university. After much distraught deliberation, I ended up staying where I was, for many reasons. I came out to others (including my coach!) that fall.

I’m a senior now, and with only one year (~11 months) left, I find myself thinking back on it all. I stopped blogging/writing much because it was painful and frustrating to even think about sometimes. I tried to stop thinking about it so much. Tried. It’s nearly impossible to think about anything else when every time you look in the mirror you feel like throwing up. When every time someone talks about you they stab you with pronoun knives. When you don’t have the courage to pop a squat in the guy’s restroom, but people stare and/or run out when you use the women’s. The hardest part is feeling trapped, stuck, and knowing you did that to yourself. Pulled in so many directions because the situation fucking sucks and you’re enjoying the hell out of college anyway.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t change anything except maybe come out sooner, especially to my parents. It’s been rough for sure, but undeniably beautiful. I never could have imagined finding so much support and acceptance. Between the professors here, my advisor, my coach, teammates and their parents, roommates, administration, classmates, friends.. I’ve found family here.

I’ve also found myself. I’ve found the strength to truly be myself when everyone is telling me I’me something else. I used to worry that I wasn’t trans enough when I stopped wanting to bash my head into a wall every time someone used she. It really just meant that I’ve found confidence and validation from within. I don’t need T to make me who I’ll grow to be any more than the estrogen coursing through me defines who I am now.

That is what will get me through this next year.

Back on the blogging bus

I’m a wreck, and I need to get it together. I haven’t written in forever, and I think that’s a big part of it. My head is so mixed up that I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start by trying to figure out how I got here.

This track season wasn’t the best. I came off of a really good cross country season (A few races around 18:30-19 min) and was hoping to do really well in track. Long story short, got injured and only raced a few times the last few weeks of the season, missing qualifying for nationals by 4 seconds. It was okay, I regrouped and focused on training for the summer.

I’m in Switzerland for the summer, and kind of got carried away the first couple weeks I was here. I may or may not have run a mountainous half-marathon. I may or may not have won with a pretty good time. And I may or may not have royally rucked up my Achilles in the process. So I took some time off and cross trained and dropped my mileage. It’s stressing me out right now because I should be at 60-70 miles per week, but I’m not. But it’s more important to be healthy, so I dropped off for a week, ran 27 the next week and I hit 40 this week. It’s good progress, but I’m paying really close attention to my Achilles.

Since I dropped my mileage so much I started cross training and lifting more weights. I also started following a bit stricter diet (higher protein, less crap). In theory, it would be fine, seeing as I have a goal weight for the fall when XC starts up again. In theory. In reality, I started binge-eating because my body was craving more something, and then I started eating when I wasn’t even hungry. And now I just feel like shit and even more stressed.

I also have dermatillomania. Wow, I’ve never actually said/wrote that before. It fucking sucks. I’ve been picking since I was about 10-11 (about the time I started struggling with being trans) and I loathe how out of control it makes me feel. I tried again and again to stop these last two weeks and the harder I try the worse it gets. It feels like I’ll never be able to get control of it, but I’m determined.

Today, I was laying in bed, feeling puffy from too much salt (I had two lbs of trail mix in two days ), bloated from too much everything, and my face looked (still looks) like a train/lawn aeration device ran over it. I thought, Transiteration, you’re a disaster. You’ve got to get it together.

So this is where I’m at. I realize that I need to start blogging, and not for anyone but me.  I’m going to write crazy stuff, boring stuff, weird stuff, any kind of stuff, and that’s that. Half of the time it’s probably not going to make any sense. But I need to get it out because it’s eating me from the inside. Working abroad for the summer makes everything a bit lonelier and harder to deal with. I gotta take care of myself.

Why?

Warning: Some language and pessimism.

I’m so frustrated. Why can I have months and months of levelness and WHAM. Upsetness. I was so strong, and it feels like my mental strength has gone down the shitter. And the worst part is, anyone I’ve ever felt comfortable talking about feeling bad to is happy to see me doing so well so I can’t even talk to them about it. I feel like I can’t even talk to anyone. So I find myself reasoning around, trying to figure out how I started slipping and what I can do to stop it.

I think it started when my coach didn’t put me in the half-marathon. I know I could’ve gotten the qualifying standard and quite frankly I’m so jealous of everyone that got to go and qualified.  Apparently the course was relatively flat, wind to the back, overall downhill, the works. I’m not totally sure why my coach didn’t put me in and I’m not going to ask.

It probably continued when my roommate threw a birthday get-together for me (very nice of her) and only a few people came and then left to go to a party. It made me realize how shitty I am at interacting with people. It kills me that I have this disconnect. I want to interact, but I don’t get the rules. Reading people’s faces is lost on me. Hell, I can’t even remember what people’s faces look like or recognize them if I see them in a different place. If I see someone I won’t know their name of where I know them from unless they have a certain backpack they carry around or unique something. Hairstyle. Glasses. Anything. I just feel like everywhere I walk there’s strangers even though I should know them, so I’ll not know the name of someone I’ve known for months and months. And I don’t know how to read people’s faces. And I don’t know how to project emotions genuinely on my face when I’m talking so they think I have no empathy.

Then the real fork in the cake was tonight when I heard about hanging out with visiting recruits about 3 minutes before it’s happening. Everyone has my phone number. They have no problem using it when they need fucking homework help. It feels like it happens every time, so I start thinking my coach doesn’t want the recruits to meet me because I’m fucking queer and it’s so fucking conservative here that maybe them meeting me will dissuade them from joining the team. So maybe the reason that I found out 5 minutes ahead of time from someone who wasn’t even organizing it kind of suggests I wasn’t really invited to a team function. Maybe my coach told the not to tell me. And I know I’m being paranoid but it still sucks.

I just feel so alone. The worst part is I want to be alone so I shouldn’t even complain that I’ve isolated myself. I don’t have any interest in interacting with people because it’s so stressful. I feel like I have to be doing something like running or studying and people just want to hang out and I don’t get it. I want to be with someone too. I never have and I want to know what it’s like to have someone, but I don’t want anyone to touch me. I can’t stand physical contact, even from my own parents. I don’t know why something that feels good to other people makes me feel sick.

I’m done. I’m done thinking, because that’s what gets me in real trouble. I’ve worked too fucking hard to lose it now, so I’m going to fight against the part of me that’s trying to kill the rest of me. Here goes.

– Who care’s about the half-marathon? You’re training for the steeplechase and you’re going to do damn well at it.

– You beat 19:00 in 3, almost 4 of the races this season. In the 18:30’s? that’s so much better than last year. You’re set to have a good track season.

– People in your life respect you. You’re a youth mentor for group, and a leader of the trans group. Professors respect you, and that is worth more than you need.

-You’re one of the most intelligent, considerate people I know. You’re going to kill it academically these next couple weeks and enjoy working hard on applications and GRE studying over winter break. It will keep you occupied and focused.

-You are focused. You have goals and can achieve them. You don’t need to be the best at everything though. Just keep being yourself and everything will be okay.

Lovely Blog Award

I got nominated for the Lovely Blog Award by Because I’m Fabulous. Definitely one of the best blogs I’ve gotten to know and you should check it out. Thank you!

I guess I’m supposed to say 7 facts!

1.  Unless I’m doing a road trip, I typically put more miles on my body than I do my car.

2. My dream house is this itty bitty home.

3. I’m intelligent enough that it makes it difficult to connect with other people.

4. My 5k PR is 18:59.49, which I somehow got after I did a 3k steeplechase.

5. If I could have anyone’s acceptance in the world it would be that of my high school coach.

6. Though my plan is to go to grad school, get a PhD and become a professor, my real dream is to be a lead singer and guitarist in an alternative band.

7. I use T-shirts as pillowcases.

Rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you.
2. List the rules and display the award.
3. Include seven facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know about the award.
5. Display the award and follow the blogger who nominated you (if not already!)

In no particular order:

1. Naominizer

2. Today I Am A Man

3. a little more each day

4. Joy Runner

5. Mom. Wife. Runner. Coach.

6. That Lesbian Teacher

7. My Life Without Tits

8. 278 to Boston

9. The Flannel Files

10. Running Shorts

11. A Boy and Her Dog

12. American Trans Man

13. Neutrois Nonsense

Thank you all for writing such lovely writings to keep me entertained and fulfilled.

Back to school time!

It’s August and everyone’s headed back to school. For me, this means no more 40 hour/week physical job and trying to train at the same time, which I’m pretty excited about.

It means no more outrageous lengths of time between posts, and probably more interesting things to blog/read about.

I’m pretty excited for this year. I’m only in 12 hours of class, which is still going to be a challenge as a student athlete, but will leave me with more time to be active in the community and do things I love.

Old followers, thanks for sticking around while life’s been too hectic to post, and possible new followers, expect to see many more frequent posts about my all-too-normal boring life as a trans-student-athlete.

Are you going back to school? What are you looking forward to this fall? Tell me about yourself! With this new time I’d like to get to know more of you.

Take care,
Transiteration

Iron Man No Longer

A while ago, I wrote about my experiences with IV iron for iron deficiency anemia.

In short: I got an IV about 4 months ago. My ferritin went from 14 to 179!

I haven’t been feeling so good (ears ringing, dizzy, tired), so even though my training has been fine, I went for a ferritin test.

It came back a 10. I’m devastated. It cost so much to do the IV and I feel so much better not destroying my gut with supplements. It’s lower than every test I’ve ever had, except when I was truly anemic. (It was a 2 and I was literally passing out.)

I think I’m going to try to get another IV before XC season starts. I’m really tempted to start back on the supplements, but I’m worried that my ferritin will go up enough that the docs won’t want to give me an IV, but still low enough that I feel like shit. For a distance runner, it should be above 60.

I am thinking of the causes of the drop, and I think altitude is a huge factor. I haven’t been taking supplements because the docs told me not to, and going up in altitude (home for the summer) and training well would make my body produce more red blood cells, depleting my iron store.

I also haven’t been taking my B complex or D vitamins.

I guess it’s a call to the doctor to see what I should do. The iron battle saga continues..

THANK YOU to the strangers at the park

a group of you pretentious adolescents,
five or six, maybe seven.

As I circled the lake
the waves gently lapped
and you shallowly shouted:

“Is that a guy or a girl?”
“No, look, that running over there.
what is it?”
“I can’t tell!”
“I don’t know.” you said, “Ha, ha, ha!”

Haha.. ha.. ha.
I looked over and returned your stares,
my eyes outnumbered
as your laughs flew with the breeze
and landed in the air around my ears.

You paused, and I paused, stricken.
The perfect moment of suspended silence,
but you went on.

Though my stride remained steady,
anger pounded through my veins
and sadness prickled at my fingertips.

I looped around again, intently,
how best to spend my next two cents?
I kept those pennies for another day.

A lap longer, a mile more.
A second stripped off my next race.

and I have only you to thank.

I am Iron Man

You got runner problems, I feel bad for you son – I got 99 problems but iron ain’t one.

It’s no secret that endurance athletes have problems with iron. Personally, I’ve had problems with it since I started running in high school. In middle/high school I passed out twice- out cold on my feet. I was constantly dizzy and tired. My parents took me to a doctor and got my ferritin (a measure of your stored iron) and my blood checked. It was bad – my ferritin was 2  and my red blood cells (RBCs) were all out of whack. I was severely anemic. I started taking about 100 mg of elemental iron a day in 4 doses and kept on iron for the next 5 or so years.

In high school, the highest my ferritin ever got was a 29 – during my senior cross country season. That was probably my best season, and for me, a 29 was good.

In college, I couldn’t keep it up freshman year and most of this sophomore year it hovered between 13 and 24. Long story short, a couple months ago I decided I was over it. I only have 2 more years left to run in college, and I want to make the most of it.

A couple months ago I contacted a hematologist with the hope of getting IV iron infusions. When I was there they did a ferritin and CBC test. My ferritin was 14 which is low, but my CBC measures were all pretty normal. In other words, my iron stores were low, but it hadn’t started to show in my blood yet. 14 was still low enough that the doctor was willing to give me an infusion.

They did the first one that day, and the second part three days later – how Feraheme is typically prescribed. Basically they put in IV line in with saline for 15 minutes, pushed the iron and steroid in, and observed me for 30 minutes. If you’re going to do something similar, I recommend really pushing the vitamin C in the days before. The steroid depressed my immune system so I wouldn’t have a reaction to the iron, but with the side result of coming down with the flu (full-blown 103 fever 7 day horizontal flu.). At first I thought it was side effects of the iron, but they said it wasn’t.

For the few weeks afterwards, I was running worse than before. I had already lost 5 lbs since last semester and the flu made me lose 5 more. For about three weeks I slept 9-10 hours a day with some naps. My mile repeats were as bad as 6:49 and I still felt terrible.

Eventually I started feeling better and running better. This was around the time I started doing 5 or so double runs a week. Last week I ran one second off my PR in the steeplechase (11:40s) and came back a few hours later to double in the 5k, PRing by almost 20 seconds and getting right under 19 minutes for the first time ever!

Before the infusions, my resting heart rate was in the 70s or 80s (at the doctor it was the 90s!) and now it’s around 50-52. My ferritin went from 14 to 179!! I’ve honestly never felt better in my life. Side note: at night when I’m trying to fall asleep it feels like part of my heartbeat is missing.. it’s the weirdest feeling ever. I’m confident that even if CBC numbers look okay, a low ferritin (less than 60 and 30 for sure) is not good for endurance athletes.

I’m not sure when I’m going to need another infusion, but I’m glad I did it. If you’re considering IV iron and want to ask questions go ahead and comment or contact me.

Apprehension (Eeeek!) Part II

This one’s going to be short – strict orders from my coach to get a good meal in the body and to sleep tonight. I had tilapia, green beans, sweet potatoes and ice cream for dinner, not for the sleep part!

In my last post I talked about how nervous I’ve been about various things. Here I’m going to explain what happened with those elements.

Quizzes: I had one today – got a 2/4. Eeeek. I could’ve performed better, but I’ll be more ready next time. He tested on material from class since the people were a little confused on what reading we had. So I studied ahead. Ah, well. Ye live and learn.

Running: Today my hip hurt. Pretty bad. I couldn’t even stand on it with out it hurting, so my friend on the team that does.. well I’m not sure exactly what she does, but it’s magic. She massages and does active muscle release. Which hurts. I literally cried a little. It feels sore now, but I think from the massage. I have a  double tomorrow morning, so I guess we’ll see then.

Public Speaking: Well, I gave my speech. And the world didn’t end. The person that gave the speech about me used all male pronouns.. didn’t even slip up once, which I really appreciated. I hope it wasn’t too hard on her to do that. 

Applications: BAM. Two done, for a total of three, just three to go. I think I have the process undercontrol, but I really nervous to see if I’ll get in a summer laboratory position.

On another note – it’s official. I’m meeting with Sally Kern. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why I would even go within a mile of her. Hearing her talk on Flashpoint hit a nerve. I know that nothing I say to her will make one iota of a difference. But I think it’s not for her benefit; it’s more mine. I need to know that I tried. So we’ll see how that goes, and see if I can pull together something to talk about. If you have any ideas, feel free to let me know in the comments section!

Cheers, guys, thanks for reading.

Apprehension. (Eeeek!)

Oh, that heart-thumping, nail-biting, leg-shaking, hair-pulling feeling. It seems to be a theme in my life lately.

Quizzes: I usually have a quiz every single day, in one of my classes. They’re meant to be low-stress and just test if you’ve actually done the reading, but I get this perfectionist complex, where I get crazy-pissed at myself if I miss even one question. I run it through my head over and over, wondering why I couldn’t have just selected the right answer. Looking back, the answer was so obvious. Why can’t I get a simple true/false question right?

Running: Yeah, I had one good race, but what if it was a fluke? What if I can’t hit the times in my workout, or fail the expectations of my coach?

Public Speaking: I know, I know, I’m normal on this one. Just the words “public speaking” can instill fear in any person. I have my first speech tomorrow. I think I was going to dress up a bit, maybe wear a button up and tie, but I don’t even know how to tie a tie! I still need to even practice my speech. I don’t even think it counts for a grade. It’s just 2-4 minutes, and it’s pretty much just to get us talking in front of the class. The topic is introductions – but the catch is that we’re introducing someone else, not ourselves. I’m nervous if the person talking about me is going to use the correct pronouns, and if I’m going to be uncomfortable even if she does.

Applications: I’m trying to get into a summer program for research, and each program is incredibly competitive and the applications are reminiscent of trying to get into college. And they’re more competitive than most grad schools. I’m nervous because some of them ask what diversity I can bring to the program, and this would be the place to talk about being trans. But at the same time I have no idea how to word it to be pertinent to research.

Oi vey. I will fight apprehension with positive thoughts and productivity. I’m looking forward to the Superbowl, hanging out with PFLAG peeps and my friends. I love my Thursday group, but I like PFLAG because the people in there are really mature, and one can have actual adult conversations! I’m looking forward to running my race because I know that I can get a PR. Productivity is happening: now. I’m going to prepare and practice my speech as well as finish two applications for summer stuff. Bam. Here we go.