Tag Archives: writing

Unchained

The needle: silver, gleaming,
tapering down to nothing,
a tiny funnel for gold
sliding into my leg.

I can feel it!
a tickle in my throat
a lower voice
a few tufts
fall from my head,
I don't mind a new hairline.
My muscles strengthen,
my shoulders widen
suddenly everything is lighter.
fat moves, smaller hips
making a little tummy
that I will run off tomorrow.
My face changes,
slightly but enough.

I look in the mirror,
finally seeing myself
for the first time.

I imagine this
again.

everyday for another
two years.

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THANK YOU to the strangers at the park

a group of you pretentious adolescents,
five or six, maybe seven.

As I circled the lake
the waves gently lapped
and you shallowly shouted:

“Is that a guy or a girl?”
“No, look, that running over there.
what is it?”
“I can’t tell!”
“I don’t know.” you said, “Ha, ha, ha!”

Haha.. ha.. ha.
I looked over and returned your stares,
my eyes outnumbered
as your laughs flew with the breeze
and landed in the air around my ears.

You paused, and I paused, stricken.
The perfect moment of suspended silence,
but you went on.

Though my stride remained steady,
anger pounded through my veins
and sadness prickled at my fingertips.

I looped around again, intently,
how best to spend my next two cents?
I kept those pennies for another day.

A lap longer, a mile more.
A second stripped off my next race.

and I have only you to thank.

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What do you see?

They see a kid, sane person.
a bit average maybe, 
clearly fitting in,
blending with the crowd.
The tears of laughter,
a well-placed grin,
and living for the future.

They miss faltering smiles,
the constant burn of pain,
and tears of despair.
The thin wall of lies
breaking, crumbling
the small existence:
here today, gone tomorrow.

What do you see?

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Self-Made Man – Nora Vincent

 

Last night I was a tad bit bored and since I had no plans on a Friday night I decided to drive around. Can you believe how late bookstores are open? 9 or 10 pm! I looked for the book Parrotfish, by Ellen Wittlinger. The used bookstore had a few shelves of LGBT stuff, and a couple of her books were there, but not Parrotfish. I picked another book, Self-Made Man, out because it looked interesting. (On a side note, I just now realized that Half Price Books actually means half price. The book was $7.50 as opposed to an original $15.00. Yes, you can call me captain obvious…) 

I went to a new bookstore hoping to find Parrotfish, but to no avail. They did have, however, at least 70 shelves of Christian literature. All I can say is welcome to Oklahoma! I’m not sure my hometown would be much different though. I may just have to order that book online.

Well, the book is extremely insightful to say the least! You can find a summary here. The premise is that a women, who also happens to be gay, disguises herself as a man, and lives in male-dominated atmospheres for more than a year. As a transguy, this gives a lot of insight to gender differences – the manner of talking, acting, interacting, and in essence, being. I still think it’s incredible (and I’m a bit jealous) that she was able to pass so well. Maybe if I weren’t a lanky cross country runner and worked on my voice I might be able to be stealth more often than I am now. One can certainly dream.

Even though the author isn’t transgender, her experiences still give a glimpse into how life will change after I start HRT. I’m not quite finished with the book, but it is so well written and intellectually intriguing that I couldn’t wait to write about it. Actually I’m so hopeful that other people will read it too, if they haven’t already, that I would like to do a pass-it-forward kind of thing. 

If you’re interested in reading this book (when I’m finished,) contact me. If you give me an address to send it to I will do so! Each person that reads it can sign hir wordpress (or other website) username in the cover and pass it on. All I ask is that the new person blog about what they thought of the book and do a pingback to the previous person so we can track everywhere it’s been! Hope that made sense and that someone’s interested…

Cheers, peeps.

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If I were an Oscar Meyer wiener…

Pardon me, but I need a moment to rant.

Every day, I have been hearing more and more people saying “was” instead of “were” when they talk in the subjunctive mood. I’m not sure why it, of all things, drive me up a wall, but it does.

When I was working at the ICC (a computer literacy building) for a day, the teacher was having the student write poems. Each poem was written online, on a poem template. Each poem started with the word “If.” The theme of the poems was “becoming a rockstar,” and I kid you not, every single elementary school kid in there started his/her/zir poem “If I was a rockstar…”

It killed me a bit inside, and after class I talked to my professor. (By the way, this happened at my college!) You’d think that at an institution that respects academia would try to propagate intelligence, and correct usage of the English language.

Anyway, I talked to my professor and she said she would talk to the people running the program. I don’t know if she did or not, but all I know is that when I went in to volunteer for the actual program (not just the training part) the teacher didn’t even address the grammar error. In fact, she even had the error in her sample poem. How can we expect kids to learn correct grammar and usage if we aren’t even teaching it to them properly??

I hear this error too in everyday conversation and it drive me nuts. I can barely focus on what someone is saying because I’m so hung up on the glaring error in said person’s subjunctive mood.

I think becoming lackadaisical in our conversation makes it harder for us to adhere to conventions in our writing.

Yes, I know that I make errors sometimes. I human, and everyone is human. But seeing the same mistake so universally, to the point that people question whether am saying it right, makes me kind of frustrated. I also would rather people point out my grammatical misteaks instead of just skimming over them.

Do you have any grammar pet peeves? Do you think that we, as educated people, should make an effort to talk with correct grammar? Or do you consider talking and writing two different domains?

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A request for help with PFLAG presentation ideas

PFLAG. Incessant blogging. I’m aware these topics don’t have much to do with each other, but neither alone would make a very interesting post, so I’m combining them into one long not very interesting post.

I’ve been blogging every day this year. Some nights it’s been after midnight, but since it’s before I go to sleep I still count it. Slacker, slacker, I know. For years, I’ve been wanting to have a journal or something, just to be able to remember stuff better. I think we can learn a lot from out younger selves. My problem is that I could never get any consistency. So this blog is an experiment. I’m seeing what a year of writing, something, anything, down everyday will do to my outlook on life and demeanor. Maybe by the end of the year I’ll have written so much that I’ll figure out something new about myself. Maybe I’ll meet someone that could do the same.

I suppose a profuse apology is in order. I’m sure all ya’ll don’t appreciate seeing random shit on your dash every day. But this blog is just as much for me. If anyone else can gain something from it, then it makes my efforts just a bit more worthwhile. I do plan to start organizing everything under headings though, and have tabs at the top. I guess I didn’t realize that sticking to the plan involves 365 posts by the end of the year, making it a bit hard to sort through.

In other news, the monthly PFLAG meeting was tonight. Our chapter is about a year old, so the base is still getting solidified. I’ve begun to realize that even when people are open and accepting, the majority of people don’t really have a clear understanding of trans-related issues. For many people I meet, I am the first transperson they’ve ever gotten to know. Today I offered to do a presentation on that sort of stuff, to help educate people. The next meeting is in a month, and if I don’t do it then, I’ll do it in two months. This means I have a decent amount of time to prepare a kick-ass presentation.

My plan so far is to:

  • include an overview of trans* identities, along with common terms/ideas (which ones would be most important?)
  • do a line chart for everyone to fill out showing the difference between gender identity, expression, orientation and sex assigned at birth
  • maybe start and end with poetry or short writings to give insight of what it’s like being trans
  • put in a “how not to talk to transpeople” (and better alternatives) section, making it kind of light-hearted and funny, but at the same time presenting valid points

Do you all have any ideas on what I could add to the presentation? I’d really like input, both from trans peeps and allies alike. What do you wish you knew, or were less ignorant of? What do you wish people knew so you don’t have to explain time and time again?

Cheers peeps, til tomorrow.

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Transiteration

I noticed someone searched “what does transiteration mean” and stumbled upon my page. It might have been a typo, but if not, I wanted to explain the meaning of my blog. When I was creating it, I wanted to think for a long time so I could make sure that what I came up with was what I would want to stick with. And I know I accomplished that.

Basically, there’s two parts; trans and iteration.

Trans means across, beyond, or on the opposite side. It is a reference to my identity of being female to male transgender.

Iteration is a repetition of a process with the aim of approaching a desired goal or target.

I am attempting to find myself and what makes my life most fulfilling, through my interactions and relationships with others. This takes many tries – sometimes something stereotypically male feels uncomfortable so I ditch it, and sometimes it feels second-nature.

My goal, or target, is to express myself and though it will take time to be in alignment with my true identity, I have confidence it’ll be worth it. Transiteration is my journey.

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